The worst disease anyone can have

I once again take this opportunity that God as defined by me has given me what I need in life so far.....but the biggest problem that I have and now for a long time is my self confidence. The self inside me degrades me every fucking moment and I feel that I am worthless compared to all others around me.....sometimes I feel that I do not have it in me even to do a worthless job like moving a stone from one place to another. The irony is I am hurting myself and since my work life has started this is a real serious issue that I need to sort out. I also have fear.....fear and shyness and every day in office is like sitting on nails............everyone around me is known but I don't know why. I am even afraid of speaking in my office phone.....asking my advisor for help.........Its really getting to my nerves. I always fucking self-pity myself........As far as I am concerned this is the worst problem one can have because none except me can help. Everyone around me looks big. I feel like only my body has grown but failed to mature. psychologically it is so frustrating.....Sometimes I feel that I have had enough of life.......Hope I can find myself soon....fingers crossed

Time and tide wait for none

Morning and it is going to be work again........Once again a weekend and that too a longer one than normal has gone a begging. I clearly have to pull up my socks technically and for this I have to go the extra mile.......I know it but still I am just laid back watching videos and relaxing. The clock is always unforgiving.......I have to hammer this in my hard head.....Its a month since I started and from next week hopefully I would be in my new home and at least in the new home I can find my rhythm......waking up,work,relaxing and learning. Have to find a balance and shirk off any laziness.Also have to control activities that consume my energy unnecessarily :-)........balance, isn't it....successful people always have this.......even best systems are ones that work optimally. Hope things change for good from next week

Height of chaos

Ok first the beginning of the week was itself very shitty.......I had missed a project appointment. I am also having a very difficult time juggling between two projects. Personal life also doesn't seem at balance.....and today again I really can't figure out how it happened....misinterpreting an appointment. Feel like things are terribly wrong.......each day is seeming to be a big battle. I am no asking for highs but at least everything has got to be normal at least on some days. This is work life and mistakes can become really costly,especially when they appear obvious in the eyes of your boss. Cant figure out how I can be so careless.....Is everyone except me on high alert...do I lack concentration. Many times I feel I do not read things and listen things carefully. I made it in red so that its obvious to be. I also have fear of asking questions but I have to overcome this.......its better now than after few years....have to constantly say this........My confidence in doing stuff.....always low.......F***.......I get things as simple as opening a door or tap wrong......can u believe that I took almost half hour to fill my project hours. Constantly totaling like a small kid and still asking myself if it was rite....lyf can't be like this......am making myself miserable each day... ...have to somehow overcome my problems........else i fear darwin's theory will operate and operate fast.............maybe im cribbing lot...at least i don't disturb anyone