The days I will never forget

Yes I will never forget these days....At this moment I just think that god is showing me how powerless a human being is......without his blessings we are just lifeless....all our ego brain power,skills are nothing.......maybe he is making me realize this.......I am put in a land where I wanted to be,in a job which I love......wonderful opportunities but with the disadvantage of having low low self esteem and self confidence. In the current life I am I am a bit devoid of friends or rather I haven't created friends whom I can share my feelings and outlet.....Today was the day probably the first time I cried when the song jai jagdish hare was going on feeling sad about my weakness....I am trying and heart in heart I know I can do it....everyday I am trying to be positive but I really really need god to give me a hand.....sometimes I also go to a mood where I think this human body sufferings and happiness or as they appear are mere illusions and probably results of our 'karma'...what is true.....what is not......can't understand.....all I know is that I need help.....from GOD. This is probably the greatest gift that mother India gave me......its ingrained spiritualism. Hope I find my footing in this world and transform from a mediocre to a super performer.....waiting in eagerness......for the agony and ecstasy to become illusions.....hope all the mental and physical pains end.......each day I go to sleep saying and hoping the being positive that the next day will be better

Longing for the ever eluding

The feeling you get while watching a perfect straight drive from sachin.....perfect lap from vettel or the genious music of A.R.Rahman.........everyday i long to be a performer like these men.....I may not be very talented in my field.....as of now at least......even percentages are difficult for me to understand and sometimes I cant imagine how I am an engineer and that too working in a top class German company. One of my friends saw my hand and said that the luck line on my palm looked very good. I am not a great believer of palm reading but somehow I felt he was right......God has given me a severe punishment in this birth.....maybe,in my previous birth....if there was one I must have been an arrogant and haughty person or animal or whatever which did not give a shit about others......God has given me all good and all opportunities but the weakness of a very very very low self esteem and extremely pessimistic attitude......It has gone to the extent that I no longer like to live......everyday is so denting mentally........I must start a life near to god....only he can give me a hand.............God please save the being u created......I beg u please....make me a performer......and a good human being with good thoughts

The worst disease anyone can have

I once again take this opportunity that God as defined by me has given me what I need in life so far.....but the biggest problem that I have and now for a long time is my self confidence. The self inside me degrades me every fucking moment and I feel that I am worthless compared to all others around me.....sometimes I feel that I do not have it in me even to do a worthless job like moving a stone from one place to another. The irony is I am hurting myself and since my work life has started this is a real serious issue that I need to sort out. I also have fear.....fear and shyness and every day in office is like sitting on nails............everyone around me is known but I don't know why. I am even afraid of speaking in my office phone.....asking my advisor for help.........Its really getting to my nerves. I always fucking self-pity myself........As far as I am concerned this is the worst problem one can have because none except me can help. Everyone around me looks big. I feel like only my body has grown but failed to mature. psychologically it is so frustrating.....Sometimes I feel that I have had enough of life.......Hope I can find myself soon....fingers crossed

Time and tide wait for none

Morning and it is going to be work again........Once again a weekend and that too a longer one than normal has gone a begging. I clearly have to pull up my socks technically and for this I have to go the extra mile.......I know it but still I am just laid back watching videos and relaxing. The clock is always unforgiving.......I have to hammer this in my hard head.....Its a month since I started and from next week hopefully I would be in my new home and at least in the new home I can find my rhythm......waking up,work,relaxing and learning. Have to find a balance and shirk off any laziness.Also have to control activities that consume my energy unnecessarily :-)........balance, isn't it....successful people always have this.......even best systems are ones that work optimally. Hope things change for good from next week

Height of chaos

Ok first the beginning of the week was itself very shitty.......I had missed a project appointment. I am also having a very difficult time juggling between two projects. Personal life also doesn't seem at balance.....and today again I really can't figure out how it happened....misinterpreting an appointment. Feel like things are terribly wrong.......each day is seeming to be a big battle. I am no asking for highs but at least everything has got to be normal at least on some days. This is work life and mistakes can become really costly,especially when they appear obvious in the eyes of your boss. Cant figure out how I can be so careless.....Is everyone except me on high alert...do I lack concentration. Many times I feel I do not read things and listen things carefully. I made it in red so that its obvious to be. I also have fear of asking questions but I have to overcome this.......its better now than after few years....have to constantly say this........My confidence in doing stuff.....always low.......F***.......I get things as simple as opening a door or tap wrong......can u believe that I took almost half hour to fill my project hours. Constantly totaling like a small kid and still asking myself if it was rite....lyf can't be like this......am making myself miserable each day... ...have to somehow overcome my problems........else i fear darwin's theory will operate and operate fast.............maybe im cribbing lot...at least i don't disturb anyone

Why always me?

Today after long time broke a spell and ventured into badminton after about a year.....as usual i was cornered with the other three being experts. I am not complaining....I know that anything needs lot of practice and nothing comes free......but be it cooking or technical expertise or even the simplest of things like opening a door I am always cornered.....I am always the clumsy one.....why? Is there not one thing where I am on top of the game. I maybe thing that my brain never functions or fails to think or rather I have trained my brain such that it has huge inertia. Maybe I have not yet discovered what comes to me naturally. Anyway whatever it is I just have one relief from all stresses of this grown up life.....Music......I really am thankful that I could listen to compositions from the maestro illayaraja and now the voice of his son yuvan. I am now totally into film music and it runs in my mind all the time.....This is also one of my problems....In anything that I venture I really get stuck and too involved....always being optimal and balanced is the best.....Hope I improve towards a more balanced life and mind.

Human mind-Hard to comprehend what goes in

Back once again. This week was better than the last one, except maybe for Friday.....in any case not as worse as last week. For most part of the week, I felt that my mind was like still water. The main reason was listening to music and songs with great meaning. There were few lines that really made a huge impact on me.

"When you walk in the dark your own shadow deserts you. You are the only company for yourself and this loneliness accompanies you until you become one with fire"

"Everything in this world is temporary and we all wait until we reach the shores fighting each and every day"

very true. I am not being philosophical and forgetting to do my duties. This just helps me to overcome my emotional instability.

Frankly I am contended with life till now and would be happy to see the shores.

Music...what a godly thing...it can heal your mind. As saints say this body is just an instrument or machine and you have to be the skillful programmer and program it properly...else it behaves like "shit in, hit out". Of course, the human system is much more complex to understand and can't be compared to a stupid machine.

For me human beings and human world is very complex at this point of time...It could also be because I have not yet got out from my childhood and student life....still can’t figure out what to speak, when to speak, what is right, what is wrong and so on......Can't blame others. For everyone around me life is normal....So I am the misfit here. No one likes misfits.....even mathematics :-)......Hope I am perceived by everyone around me as a normal person.

Saturday-A day to treasure

Its Saturday....I always love Friday night and Saturday. Its a time where you can reflect on yourself,calm yourself down and get ready for the battle once again. I say that it is a treasure because it goes very quickly and takes 6 days to come again. After a really depressing Friday, music and movies on Friday night was a diversion. Saturday gave me time to think of my problems and the evening outing with a good friend of mine,food changed my mood for the good. I sometimes feel that my problems are compounded by lack of proper diet during the day and to some extent uneven sleeping schedules. I have to find a balance between personal life and work. I have been saying this for long but unfortunately I am not able to. I have clearly identified my problems. They are fear of dealing with people,fear of my actions or self confidence and being too sensitive. I also think that I build up problems in my mind which are imaginary. Also I am in phases where I am either too depressed or too enthusiastic. This could be also because of me being too sensitive. Psychological problems can only be solved if I have a strong will......I hope things will improve....have to. Human mind and emotions are very complex to understand,at least for me. One more thing is that I have developed an interest for singing...just in the past week. Maybe activities like these can also help.

At this point,I have to always thing that morning will be better as said my Kamal Hassan in Vetaiyadu Velaiyadu

In Retrospect

Hi

Finally devoid of any friends in this wretched grown up life,I decided to turn to the ever welcoming internet and computer. I though it might be a good idea to start spitting my feelings. This would be some sort of emotional outlet. To begin, I feel this grown up life is totally fucked up....Sorry for the language. People can say "Buddy u don't know to live"......I don't give a shit. As far as I have seen people just are behind money and their selfish interests. Even for a simple interaction with someone you have to think a lot. It's also very hard to understand grown up people. Everything was simple when I was a small boy.....Friend's and other relations really made sense......When you grow up you have to safeguard yourself every minute. Is seems to me as if I am in a battle everyday. Yes, I do agree I have everything in life and to an extent I thank 'God' as defined by me and my parents.What I need the most I don't have- Peace of mind....Life has changed a LOT...Some aspects for good and some bad. Can I sustain this world......Frankly, if I have a choice, I would leave from this world happily,for I think life is no longer a fun. Undoubtedly 2010 was the best year of my life. Rudyard Kipling said it right.

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same

Karthikeyan Kannan