Well begun...hope not half done

Blogging a lot these days.....signs that I am devoid of friends or any social activity...well my fault..society and people are out there but anyway...its always the same argument...Guess will have to live with this....after all each human is different and if everyone is same then what is the point.....I guess a person like me should develop the habit of reading books as in non academic.....Gets me back to my English teacher Mrs.Geetha Parthasarathy urging us to develop the reading habit and telling how it helps develop visual imagery. Books can be really good friends and in a way healthier time pass than our new found soul mates "The computer". Anyway my mind is crowded with preoccupations of improving at working and making progress with driving license...sometimes I guess I get too stuck in my worries and preoccupations that I fail to enjoy and live the present. But I guess looking at the bright side I can say I always give 100% to my goals.

My vacation has started well, no half day sleep,irregular eating....have been toiling hard with theory material for driving test. I just need to become more calm....just not worry too much but focus on what to do next...plan....keep going forward...just keep going, be patient. It is said that a calmer mind is efficient and is dangerous. Always need to think that what worse can happen....I won't die.....Just try to give my maximum effort but without stress....enjoy what god has given me.....this is something I have dream't and wanted....its easier said than done for even a M.S.Dhoni or Steve Waugh who were claimed to be cool would have indeed had jitters but the difference is they managed to think what next without being influenced by the end result just as KRISHNA says in the geetha "KARM KARO KARM KA FAL NAHI SEEKHO" (Do your karma with maximum dedication and effort without worrying about the end result). This is very hard to follow but sure it is possible to practise and try in small steps. Life is like test match cricket. You need to take it session by session....When you have good moments capitalize and make hay....In dull periods just hold on .....keep trying with patience and always remain in the game.....But remember the last word is the key....GAME....Life is a game...should be treated as one....IT IS INDEED IMPORTANT TO WIN AND TRY TO DO THAT BUT LOSING SHOULD NOT BE A BIG DEAL.....JUST LOOK AT THE MIRROR, FIGURE OUT WHAT WENT WRONG AND TRY NOT REPEATING IT.....KEEP THE CLOSE LOOP going......Try--->review--->correct--->review.......You can improve every day in small steps.

A time of stalemate, reflection, and look for inspiration

So times are evolving and always TIME is above everything, waits for none, just flows and ebbs away at its own ruthless pace. If you can dance to its rhythm u enjoy. It is like adapt tune. If you are out of sync then you are singled out and look odd.

I am just thinking....Probably I am not in tune. I still am caught in the past my body has grown but at mind I am still that guy playing cricket wielding the willow and putting revs on the ball...being the tendulkar and warne, no worries of the outside world and in my own world at Pelathope, Mylapore, Chennai.... Had a handful of friends both at school and home...life went on play,exams,coaching class....the rigmarole continued, then came college.....only setting changed....different set of friends but none of them as close as the ones at school, again exams, future dream of engineering career....Masters....some more valuable  friends...exams....operation German job ....dream came true...exams were replaced by project deadlines.....something changed....friends became one friend and that too a busy friend......one more thing changed...managed to pass exams and come out more than above average but sadly  FAILURE for first time maybe temporary, maybe hopefully a passing cloud.....but friends seemed to have moved on.....they have other gap fillers....i'm almost amazed at the same reply from everyone " Can you call me later"...Wow I am always in coincidence of calling people at wrong time or is it that famous saying that when you have FAILURES YOU FEEL ISOLATED. Everyone and everything seems going against you.

 More amazingly when some old friend gets on line its not like before...there are hardly any topics to speak...its always "AND SO WHAT IS NEW" and the same question reflects back at you and after sometime we realize ok there is not much to talk..... It really amazes me that we have all lost that innocence in us...our minded crowded wit lot of stuff......I think I have not grown to realize that I am a grown up....u need to be looking mature..talking responsible stuff,vbeing all serious....sounding interested in marriage.....My GOD, I am a misfit..... I still wanna go to pelathope and wield my willow.... run and stop the ball heroically diving.....have animated discussions on children stuff....... I am caught up in the past and that was why I was shocked when my parents asked me if I was willing to marry.


Anyway there is a saying in my mother tongue that a guy who dosen't know to dance blames the stage....so guess I am the problem....I haven't moved on a sculpted a life away from work...That is why failure at work has hit me hard....looking for a inspiration and when i went back in time i found the australian cricket captain STEVE ROGER WAUGH. After initially being dropped from the cricket team he came back changed his approach to short ball and if I come across the words 'TOUGHNESS", "MENTAL STRENGTH" I get the image of Steve......So what I should do in these holidays is use the time and look back at what I have done at work in 2 years

1. What was my task and what is expected of my engineering task
2. How can I make a project plan based on examples of projects I have worked so far
3. What are the possible hurdles that have caused me to fail and how can I chalk out a plan to overcome these hurdles
4. What is my plan to increase my technical know-how (stop wastage of time on internet)

Health issues / Personal discipline

1. How can I make my daily routine better and weekend routine better
2. Body exercise
3. Possible mental exercise (Meditation)

I need a plan (2014-2017) to massively overhaul and rise from this FAILURE

FIRST STEP IS BELIEVE THAT I CAN CHANGE...I have tried and not been able to bring about the change so its all about the will power . I will look and imagine Steve Waugh when I need mental strength

To start I have 21 days and I have to set a plan to get the change in motion.

"And this, too, shall pass away."

12/2/2013  a day I shall never forget.....A day that shook me.....Am in pain..... Had a review meeting with my team leader and was hard to hear that I have not been up to the expectation in my past 2 years of work and the progress I am making is not enough.....yep its hard to hear bad things and more than that hard done. I am not the type who is insincere  or lacks dedication. It is simply that I am not able to manage my work and frankly I do not know if and whether it will improve..... I will never give up have never but I am just fearing if I am fighting in vain or will continue to fight in vain. At the moment worlds fail and I am blanked.. I know its all negative. I look up to GOD to give me the inner strength and rise up from these ashes. I know worrying does not help. All I can do is go take a step back and look what I can do to be better. This is a reality check and that too a critical one....2 more years and if I am still same it would be game over. I hope I can find a solution....Really amd broke and all I can say at this moment is this too shall pass and hope morning brings something better. Will never forget these painful times where my one and only consolation were my parents. Oh GOD please shine some blessings on me...please

My Journey with Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar (1996- 2013) THANK YOU SACHIN....THANK YOU

This day 16.11.2013, I was forced to get back here as I felt it was something I needed to document, my journey and probably the journey of every Indian with a fellow indian called Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar....I can still remember that famous knock of his in sharjah amidst sandstorms and after that breathtaking knock I thought to myself as to how it would feel when this fellow retires and now sitting in future,I have the answer.

It was not as bad as I had thought because today, India can win a cricket match even without Tendulkar, a dream the master himself would have had all the in numerous times he waged a one man battle in vain. He would feel safe leaving his legacy at hands of talented and promising youngsters like Virat Kohli, Rohit Sharma, Dhawan and Co. After all in a time when India's only batsmen was Sachin all of these fellows would have watched him play and never would have thought that they would play alongside him

In many ways Sachin is a blessed soul. A man to have fans all over the world in all age groups spanning 24 years.....wow. For all great batsman until today he has been the benchmark....I remember not so long time ago every team had a great, India: Sachin: West Indes: Lara; Australia; Mark Waugh; Pakistan: Inzamam: Sri lanka: Aravinda De Silva....All of them had their peaks but this man Sachin had reached the peak and managed to hold on to it for an unbelievably long period of time and people fail to understand what it takes to do that.....I get angry when people say...."Ya he is a born genious".....Yes agreed he had the talent but it was that coupled with relentless hardwork day in and day out that has got him where he is.

The word "Master Blaster" has sort of become redundant these days with all T20 hitting and huge bats. Let me take myself and others to the period between 1996 and 2000. Whenever India played a cricket match...we all were waiting every match to see Indian batting and that too the opening, nobody missed it....Whether it was chasing or first innings....Sachin coming out and absolutely creaming the best of the best.....straight drive, cover drive, on drive....whenever the ball went up in the air our heart in our mouths because we all knew if Sachin is gone the match is lost...people no even leaving for a comfort break with the superstition that if they leave their place Sachin would get out. Imagine what pressure he would have had...Every match that he played people wanted a hundred from him nothing less and they blindly believed that he could d it easy. This was even until 10 years ago in 2003 world cup final when we had the likes of Sehwag,Yuvraj and Co. When Sachin  got out to Mcgrath India lost the final in many people's minds.


People have many choices for his favorite knocks but mine is the 100 against Pakistan at Chennai in a test match. Though it was on a losing cause, for me it best summs up what Sachin was to Indian cricket. India was in tatters with half the side gone for around 50 or 70 runs. Needing 268 or 270 to win Sachin got together with Nayan Mongia.....5th day of the test, a Sunday....Playing the likes of Wasim, Waquar and Saqlain....he took India to the brink of victory, suffering from back trauma he finally got out to a hasty shot. As usual the Indian tail collapsed and there are articles which say Sachin cried...not because of the back pain but because he did not take India through. I too had a tear or 2. A Sachin hundred and we felt as if we had done it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QewO3vrPXjw



Another instance Eden Gardens 1996 world up semi-finals against Sri-Lanka, a gruesome memory for all of us. See that match until Sachin played...After that match people said the pitch was tough but as long as Sachin was there it did not seem so......Even with fielders crowding the off-side the cover drives were thundering and bowlers looked hapless. He made 65 and got stumped and that was the end of India's chase.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqn74Nf7u1k


Today people comment...."Yes Sachin is great but why all this fuss"..."Why so many facebook status messages"....'Dravid was actually greater than Sachin".... above all the worst which has been for years
 " When Sachin scored a hundred, India lost".....Imagine what would the scorecard have been in those matches that we lost ,had he also got out cheaply. There is nothing wrong in celebrating him to this extent...We are not sure if this sport in India will see a legend of his stature. If Sir Donald Bradman had been the benchmark until now Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar will be the book of batsmanship for decades to come. It is simply the years when Sachin was India's one man army that made people to say he is the "GOD" of cricket and that impact stayed till his last walk when people chanted " Sachin.....Sachin". The brief silence after he got out the final time reminded me of all the other innumerable similar reactions over the years

Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar is undoubtedy a blessed soul for GOD gave him the stage of his homeground and a respectable 74 in his last innings filled with his vintage shots to take a final bow....people will say that even at 42 on his last match he was up to the level.... You can say it was West Indes...but still you have to score and it is a International game.

On a personal note thank you Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar for all the entertainment over the years....You have made us proud as an Indian. Even in countries like Germany where they don't have an idea about cricket they know you....thank you, thank you and thank you. I always feel blessed that GOD gave me a chance to be born in an era where I was able to watch you bat

The days I will never forget

Yes I will never forget these days....At this moment I just think that god is showing me how powerless a human being is......without his blessings we are just lifeless....all our ego brain power,skills are nothing.......maybe he is making me realize this.......I am put in a land where I wanted to be,in a job which I love......wonderful opportunities but with the disadvantage of having low low self esteem and self confidence. In the current life I am I am a bit devoid of friends or rather I haven't created friends whom I can share my feelings and outlet.....Today was the day probably the first time I cried when the song jai jagdish hare was going on feeling sad about my weakness....I am trying and heart in heart I know I can do it....everyday I am trying to be positive but I really really need god to give me a hand.....sometimes I also go to a mood where I think this human body sufferings and happiness or as they appear are mere illusions and probably results of our 'karma'...what is true.....what is not......can't understand.....all I know is that I need help.....from GOD. This is probably the greatest gift that mother India gave me......its ingrained spiritualism. Hope I find my footing in this world and transform from a mediocre to a super performer.....waiting in eagerness......for the agony and ecstasy to become illusions.....hope all the mental and physical pains end.......each day I go to sleep saying and hoping the being positive that the next day will be better

Longing for the ever eluding

The feeling you get while watching a perfect straight drive from sachin.....perfect lap from vettel or the genious music of A.R.Rahman.........everyday i long to be a performer like these men.....I may not be very talented in my field.....as of now at least......even percentages are difficult for me to understand and sometimes I cant imagine how I am an engineer and that too working in a top class German company. One of my friends saw my hand and said that the luck line on my palm looked very good. I am not a great believer of palm reading but somehow I felt he was right......God has given me a severe punishment in this birth.....maybe,in my previous birth....if there was one I must have been an arrogant and haughty person or animal or whatever which did not give a shit about others......God has given me all good and all opportunities but the weakness of a very very very low self esteem and extremely pessimistic attitude......It has gone to the extent that I no longer like to live......everyday is so denting mentally........I must start a life near to god....only he can give me a hand.............God please save the being u created......I beg u please....make me a performer......and a good human being with good thoughts

The worst disease anyone can have

I once again take this opportunity that God as defined by me has given me what I need in life so far.....but the biggest problem that I have and now for a long time is my self confidence. The self inside me degrades me every fucking moment and I feel that I am worthless compared to all others around me.....sometimes I feel that I do not have it in me even to do a worthless job like moving a stone from one place to another. The irony is I am hurting myself and since my work life has started this is a real serious issue that I need to sort out. I also have fear.....fear and shyness and every day in office is like sitting on nails............everyone around me is known but I don't know why. I am even afraid of speaking in my office phone.....asking my advisor for help.........Its really getting to my nerves. I always fucking self-pity myself........As far as I am concerned this is the worst problem one can have because none except me can help. Everyone around me looks big. I feel like only my body has grown but failed to mature. psychologically it is so frustrating.....Sometimes I feel that I have had enough of life.......Hope I can find myself soon....fingers crossed